My first Instagram post was June 11, 2012, before the site had video, only allowed square images, and wasn’t yet bought by Facebook. It’s a photo of me and my brother, possibly taken by another brother of mine.

It has a little filter on it that I forget the name of, and that summer would be one of the more intense experiences of my youth: getting too emotionally attached to a straight friend and going through a prolonged conflict between my faith and sexuality.

I mention this period because everyone has parts of their story that aren’t reflected on social media. As a whole, my content shows a quirky young man with a thing for talking to cameras. Social media doesn’t, and can’t, reflect the journaling, therapy, crying, breakups, moves, financial stress, job hunting, boring classes, administration, and orphaned projects that are arguably more important than what I’ve chosen to upload over the years. Those other “not algorithm friendly” moments are when I probably needed more social support, not less. And my particular background plus the conditioning of social media tended toward less connection, not more.

I’ve kept small social circles through my adult life, and posts have had near-zero effect on these relationships. No one’s ever said “where have you been?”, “why aren’t you posting more?”, or “your last post was so cute”. I’ve gone through phases of posting family, friends, thirst traps, jokes, and more vague “dumps”, until getting sick of the process altogether.

These phases reflect the guarded relationship I’ve always had with social media. It tends to make me self conscious, and as an adult I was never quite sure if I should approach my content like an influencer (broad, vague ideas and posting “entertaining” content), or keep things more personal and intimate. I think I performed more for social media in my early 20s. After 30, I tried to be more personal, but often found that process just as unsatisfying as putting on a show. Not to mention my account approaching 1000 followers while feeling like my inner circle remained stable. The emotional gain from an evening with friends was far better than posting something vulnerable and reading supportive messages. On a deep level, we’re just not evolved to benefit from phones the same way we benefit from human beings. And on a much higher level, it is very harmful the way social media incentivizes both performance and genuine emotion, shows highlights of our friends fueling comparison and envy, and stupefies by placing people we know before and after public figures, daily news, and jokes in light of them… all supported by hyper targeted ads.

Instagram was consistently my most-used app. It covered messaging, short-form video, art inspiration, and, less and less, a way to see what my friends were up to. Despite everything I’ve said, there is still value to documenting and sharing our lives. There are benefits to be had, but it feels like individuals must make boundaries against technology, rather than expect technology to progress mindfully.

So, while traveling in New York I requested all my IG media, and have preserved it here in the form of videos and photo grids. I won’t be able to see likes or comments, but I don’t think that’s a huge deal. I just care about the people captured over time, and how we’ve all kept growing and changing.

Stories

There were so many photos the blog editor kept crashing, so here’s a slideshow!